Young Chagnystein
by ghostwritten2
Summary: PARODY, written in screenplay format. POTO characters take on the Young Frankenstein plot, and the monster gets the girl. I have no idea where this came from. Really, really silly. And now for something completely different. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

Young Chagnystein  
A Parody  
Part I of III

1. - EXT. DAY - LONDON CLUB

RAOUL is standing outside a London club, talking to a group of his friends.

RAOUL  
And that is why no one in my family ever, ever, ever goes near a haunted opera house under any circumstances.

MESSENGER  
You've just inherited a haunted opera house from your grandfather.

RAOUL  
Oh, goody. I'm off. Toodles!

* * *

2. - EXT. NIGHT – PARIS TRAIN STATION

FIRMAN  
You must be the Viscomte de Shanyee.

RAOUL  
It's pronounced "Chagny". Hard "ch"; rhymes with "Cagney". And you must be Monsieur Firman.

FIRMAN  
It's spelt "Firman", but it's pronounced "Throat-Warbler Mangrove".

RAOUL  
If you say so.

FIRMAN  
My grandfather used to work for your grandfather.

RAOUL  
My grandfather's work was doo-doo!

FIRMAN  
Your grandfather never worked.

RAOUL  
Oh…right.

RAOUL throws his SUITCASE in the back of FIRMAN's ride, which, is inexplicably, a HAY WAGON. FIRMAN is, also inexplicably, a HUNCHBACK.

HAY WAGON  
Oof!

FIRMAN  
That'll be CHRISTINE.

CHRISTINE pops up from the back, wearing a SKIMPY HAREM GIRL OUTFIT.

CHRISTINE  
Would you care for a roll in ze 'ay? It's fun, look! Roll, roll, roll in ze 'ay…

RAOUL  
YES!

FIRMAN (grabbing him)  
NO! That is, you have work to do, Master – I mean, Viscomte.

* * *

3. - EXT. NIGHT – ON THE ROAD

RAOUL  
Didn't we pass a castle a few miles back?

FIRMAN  
Wrong movie.

RAOUL  
Oh. Well, there's a guy with a hump in that one, too.

FIRMAN  
What hump?

RAOUL  
Right. At least I don't have to do that stupid "Where wolf?" joke.

A WOLF howls.

RAOUL  
I don't care, I'm still not doing it.

* * *

4. - EXT. NIGHT – OPERA HOUSE DOOR

FRAU GIRY opens the door.

GIRY  
Good evening. I am Frau Giry.

HORSES neigh.

CHRISTINE (to RAOUL)  
I think you were supposed to compliment my knockers.

RAOUL  
But that makes no sense in context.

CHRISTINE  
Or do the 'Little Lotte' thing!

RAOUL  
But we've already met!

CHRISTINE sulks.

RAOUL  
Lead the way, Frau Giry.

HORSES neigh.

FIRMAN  
There is only one Cesar!

GIRY, RAOUL, and CHRISTINE turn to look at him.

FIRMAN  
Sorry – reflex.

GIRY, RAOUL, and CHRISTINE nod understandingly.

* * *

5. - INT. NIGHT – OPERA HOUSE STAIRCASE

RAOUL  
Why are we all sleeping in the opera house?

GIRY (Ignoring this)  
Stay close to ze candles, Monsieur le Viscomte de Shanyee…

RAOUL  
It's pronounced "Chagny". Hard "ch"; rhymes with "Cagney".

GIRY (Ignoring that, too)  
…Ze stairway can be treacherous. Also, keep your hand at the level of your eyes.

RAOUL  
But why, Frau Giry?

HORSES neigh.

GIRY  
Because it looks funny, and it makes me laugh. Zis is as far up as I dare go.

RAOUL  
But I'm only going to the bathroom!

GIRY  
Once you see our plumbing, you'll understand.

* * *

6. - INT. NIGHT – RAOUL'S BEDROOM

CHRISTINE, wearing a CORSET over a FILMY WHITE NEGLIGEE, runs into the room.

CHRISTINE  
Oh, Viscomte! I was having a nacht-mare!

RAOUL  
We're not German, we're French!

CHRISTINE (puzzled)  
Are you sure? I think I'm supposed to be Swedish. But we both sound American, and you came from London, and FRAU GIRY is the only one with a French accent, but her name is German…

RAOUL  
You're making my head hurt.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE  
Insolent boy! This slave of fashion…

RAOUL  
You're not in this yet!

MYSTERIOUS VOICE (Sulkily)  
Fine. Just check out the secret passage behind the mirror – er, bookcase. And keep your hands…

RAOUL  
…at the level of my eyes. I know.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE  
…off of CHRISTINE.

CHRISTINE beams. RAOUL frowns.

RAOUL and CHRISTINE check out the secret passage. Mysterious music follows them.

CHRISTINE  
The Phantom of the Opera is here, inside my mind!

RAOUL  
No, it's just him.

RAOUL points at FIRMAN, who is following them, playing mysterious music on a violin.

CHRISTINE  
Rats.

Several RATS run across the passage.

CHRISTINE  
I didn't mean it literally!


	2. Chapter 2

Young Chagnystein  
A Parody  
Part II of III

7. - INT. NIGHT – SECRET LABORATORY

A giant BOX bearing the words "Build Your Own Phantom Kit – Deluxe! Includes Batteries!" is standing in the middle of the SECRET LABORATORY. It is tied with a BLACK RIBBON and has a RED ROSE on top of it.

CHRISTINE  
Oooh! Shiny!

RAOUL  
I've got a bad feeling about this.

CHRISTINE  
No, it's a great idea! It is, it is, it is, I'm sure it is.

RAOUL gives CHRISTINE a LOOK. She doesn't notice.

FRAU GIRY appears on the stairs. She wrestles with FIRMAN for the VIOLIN, and wins.

GIRY  
It is your destiny!

RAOUL  
Destiny? Destiny? No escaping that for me?

GIRY  
Yes!

RAOUL  
Then you –

GIRY  
Yes!

RAOUL  
And my grandfather –

GIRY  
Yes!

RAOUL  
So you –

GIRY  
Yes! Yes! Say it! Say it!

RAOUL  
I'm trying to, but you won't let me finish a sentence.

GIRY  
He was my – employer!

FRAU GIRY plays a NOTE OF SHOCK AND SURPRISE on the VIOLIN.

FIRMAN  
So it was your cigar smoldering in the ashtray!

GIRY, RAOUL, and CHRISTINE  
What?

FIRMAN  
Never mind.

RAOUL (Suddenly enthused)  
It! Could! Work! My name – is SHANYEE!

* * *

8. - INT. MORNING – THE BREAKFAST TABLE

RAOUL is reading a BOOK titled "Opera Ghosts for Dummies", with the word "Dummies" crossed out and "Fops" written above it in Sharpie, presumably by FRAU GIRY, a known enabler.

RAOUL (Reading)  
"Blah blah blah pseudo-scientific stuff of which I don't understand a word." Good thing I have assistants.

CHRISTINE  
He'll have an enormous schwanzstucker.

FIRMAN  
No, that's only in phics.

CHRISTINE  
What do you think this is?

FIRMAN  
Good point.

CHRISTINE  
Voof.

RAOUL  
I don't even want to know.

* * *

9. - INT. DAY – SECRET LABORATORY

RAOUL, CHRISTINE, and FIRMAN troop down again to the SECRET LABORATORY. RAOUL has stayed up most of the night, assembling the Build Your Own Phantom Kit. The assembled PHANTOM lies on the SLAB. A WHITE MASK covers part of his face.

CHRISTINE  
What happened to his face?

RAOUL  
That's a good question. Firman? I mean, Throat-Warbler Mangrove?

FIRMAN  
I dropped the head.

RAOUL  
What is that you are telling me? You dropped the head?

FIRMAN  
But I ran out and got a replacement.

RAOUL  
You say you ran out and got a replacement?

FIRMAN  
If you don't stop that, I'm going to smack you, Viscomte or no. And don't try speaking in italics, either.

RAOUL  
You started it with that Cesar business. What kind of head did you get?

FIRMAN  
Abby someone. Abby Normal, that was it.

RAOUL  
You're telling me we put an abnormal head on this Phantom?

FIRMAN  
I said to stop that! And, well - yes.

RAOUL  
Hmm…okay. Maybe that will keep Christine off – hey!

CHRISTINE approaches the PHANTOM, appearing fascinated. She reaches for the MASK.

CHRISTINE  
Who is this shape in the shadows? Whose is the face in the mask?

RAOUL and FIRMAN  
Don't touch that!

CHRISTINE  
Huh? Why not?

FIRMAN  
Not a good idea. Trust me on this.

RAOUL  
Okay, then – ready? Batteries!

FIRMAN hands RAOUL some BATTERIES. He inserts them into the PHANTOM's neck, then presses an "ON" button. Nothing happens.

FIRMAN  
Loose connection there.

RAOUL  
More than one, if you ask me.

CHRISTINE  
Hey!

RAOUL (Pointing to the PHANTOM)  
Not you! Him!

CHRISTINE  
…Oh.

FIRMAN (Thoughtfully)  
Maybe you didn't angst enough. I think you have to do that a lot to get these to work.

CHRISTINE grabs the PHANTOM's hips and starts singing to him.

CHRISTINE  
The bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn!

RAOUL bursts into tears.

FIRMAN  
That ought to do it.

RAOUL, CHRISTINE, and FIRMAN wait. Nothing happens. They start back up the stairs, but suddenly mysterious music begins to play.

RAOUL (to FIRMAN)  
Is that you again?

FIRMAN  
Not this time.

* * *

10. - INT. DAY – SECRET LABORATORY (AGAIN)

RAOUL, CHRISTINE, and FIRMAN run back down the stairs. The PHANTOM is playing his theme song on a LARGE ORGAN.

RAOUL  
Do not. Make the schwanzstucker joke again. Do not.

FIRMAN  
Hey - he's not supposed to touch that thing!

RAOUL kicks FIRMAN.

FIRMAN  
I wasn't!

CHRISTINE (To PHANTOM)  
Hi, Phanny!

PHANTOM  
Did you just call me Fanny?

CHRISTINE  
Well, you don't have a name in this…so yeah.

PHANTOM  
Don't.

CHRISTINE.  
Okay. I'll do this instead!

CHRISTINE rips off the PHANTOM's MASK.

PHANTOM  
Don't do that either! Aaaaarrgh!

The PHANTOM runs amok. CHRISTINE faints. The PHANTOM absconds with her down a hallway marked THIS WAY TO THE LAIR.

RAOUL and FIRMAN look at each other.

RAOUL  
Bit defective, I'm thinking.

FIRMAN  
The girl or the monster?

RAOUL  
Yes.

FIRMAN  
Right.

VOICE FROM UPSTAIRS:  
Yoooo-hoooo!

RAOUL and FIRMAN troop back upstairs. Again.


	3. Chapter 3

Young Chagnystein  
A Parody  
Part III of III

11. - INT. DAY – OPERA HOUSE ENTRANCE HALL

CARLOTTA enters. RAOUL and FIRMAN groan.

CARLOTTA (To RAOUL)  
It is I, your spoiled, overdressed, imperious fiancée!

RAOUL  
You've got to be kidding me. I bet those two are singing loudly in each others' faces, even as we speak!

CARLOTTA (To FIRMAN)  
Which two?

FIRMAN  
Long story.

RAOUL  
I must rescue her!

FIRMAN  
Are you sure she wants –

RAOUL  
That man – that thing – is not her father!

FIRMAN  
I think she knows –

RAOUL  
You stay here!

RAOUL runs off.

FIRMAN  
I'll…just stay here then, shall I?

CARLOTTA glances at FIRMAN speculatively.

FIRMAN (Firmly)  
No way.

CARLOTTA  
Oh well. Bring me flowers, chocolates, diamonds, and small dogs, and then you can drink grape juice from my shoe while I treat you like dirt. It'll be fun!

FIRMAN groans.

* * *

12. - INT. DAY – LAIR

The PHANTOM, in his madness, has carried CHRISTINE off and forced her to change clothing against her will. She now wears a FRILLY DRESS.

PHANTOM (To CHRISTINE)  
This face which condemns me to wallow in blood has also denied me the joys of the flesh!

CHRISTINE  
It's really not that bad, you know.

PHANTOM  
Really?

CHRISTINE  
Honest. There are tons of phansites about you on the internet.

PHANTOM (Brightening)  
No kidding?

RAOUL enters, out of breath.

PHANTOM  
Monsieur, I bid you welcome. Did you think that I would harm her?

RAOUL  
No, I was more afraid you'd be snogging madly.

CHRISTINE and the PHANTOM glance down at the ground, guiltily.

RAOUL  
I knew it!

The PHANTOM lassos RAOUL and then ties him to a HANDY GRATE, which has just come down behind him.

RAOUL (To CHRISTINE)  
Next time I want to wear the dress and you can get lashed to the grate!

CHRISTINE  
If you think that's so easy, you try lip-synching in a corset, buddy!

RAOUL  
At least you're not all wet!

CHRISTINE  
Neither are you.

RAOUL  
Oh.

PHANTOM  
Done?

CHRISTINE and RAOUL nod.

PHANTOM  
Good. So do you end your days with ME or do you send him to his GRAVE?

RAOUL  
Ow.

CHRISTINE  
You.

PHANTOM and RAOUL  
What?

CHRISTINE  
Phantom-chu, I choose you! Let's go, ghost-boy.

PHANTOM  
Boy howdy!

The PHANTOM and CHRISTINE embrace, and walk off, arm in arm.

PHANTOM  
Wait till I show you my repertoire of cape twirls. You'll love 'em.

CHRISTINE  
Ooh! Next you'll be telling me you have a boat!

PHANTOM  
Well, as a matter of fact…

The PHANTOM and CHRISTINE exit. CARLOTTA enters the LAIR to find RAOUL still lashed to the HANDY GRATE.

RAOUL  
How did you find this place?

CARLOTTA  
Are you kidding? There are signs everywhere. Also, I 'ate my 'at!

RAOUL  
What does that have to do with anything?

CARLOTTA  
Nothing. I just like saying it.

RAOUL  
…Untie me?

CARLOTTA  
Hmm…eventually.

CARLOTTA eyes RAOUL speculatively. RAOUL groans.

RAOUL  
Who said this wasn't a horror film?

* * *

13. - INT. DAY – OPERA HOUSE ENTRANCE HALL

ANDRE enters.

ANDRE  
Anyone home?

FIRMAN  
Finally!

ANDRE  
I like to be fashionably late, you know.

ANDRE and FIRMIN embrace. ANDRE pulls a SOFA CUSHION out from under the back of FIRMAN's shirt, which has been giving the impression that FIRMAN is a HUNCHBACK.

ANDRE  
…I won't ask.

FIRMAN  
Thank you.

RAOUL and CARLOTTA enter. CARLOTTA is making kissy-noises at RAOUL. RAOUL looks haggard.

RAOUL (Looking at FIRMAN and ANDRE)  
At least some people got a happy ending!

ANDRE  
Something for everyone!

RAOUL  
A tragedy tonight!

ANDRE and FIRMAN embrace again. CARLOTTA tries to embrace RAOUL, who tries to avoid her.

* * *

14. - EXT. DAY – OPERA HOUSE ROOF

The PHANTOM and CHRISTINE are embracing in tha shadow of one of the statues on the roof. PULL BACK to reveal FRAU GIRY in the foreground, playing mysterious music on the violin…for no adequately explained reason.

THE END


End file.
